How else to begin?

Well, what better night than to kick off this whole shenanigan than the night of the daytime Emmy Awards?

Award shows are generally an abomination and, to be honest, this one was no different. Donald Trump actually sang the theme to Green Acres in a bit they were calling Emmy Idol, wherein people who have very few shreds of dignity left would sing theme songs to shows or movies from the past. The Trumpster was doing Green Acres and the chick from Veronica Mars was belting out the theme from Fame. Which leads me to wonder what the hell either of them had to do with the other? The girl from Mars wasn't even born when Fame was a hit, but there she was in her torn-up looking top (you know, with the enormo neckline), legwarmers and sweatband. She actually looked cute and sang reasonably well. Trump was a different story. The guy is becoming a parody of himself. Yeah, yeah, at least he's got a sense of humor, you say. But I say he's just desperate to stay in the spotlight because even he realizes that his stupid-ass show has run two or three "seasons" longer than it should have and the novelty has worn off.

The worst part of this debacle of "Emmy Idol" was when William Shatner was announced as about to sing the theme to Star Trek. Now, I didn't recall a theme and it turns out I was right. Instead, Shatner did the little voice over that was at the beginning of every episode while some old broad next to him made wailing noises that probably had my neighbors worried I was torturing someone. Ugh.

As for the awards, Everybody Loves Raymond got a pity Emmy as they bowed out from television this year, when in reality it wasn't close to the funniest show on TV. Hasn't anyone seen Scrubs? Or Family Guy?

Oh, and the most aggravating award of the evening went to Lost as outstanding drama. Really? Lost?? Over shows like 24 and The West Wing? I mean, I know The West Wing sucks compared to its earlier seasons but it's still light years ahead of that piece of crap on ABC. What bothers me about Lost is that there's nothing clever about it. A plane crashes and people are stuck on an island and must learn to cope. Didn't Gilligan's Island take this about as far as it could go 30 or 40 years ago? Ah, but let's mix in modern elements (such as America's fascination with being "voted off an island" and Survivor in general) and someone how explain how in this day and age an airplane could truly be lost. Okay, so for the first two episodes, I was sort of intrugued. Now, they just make you think every week that they're going to resolve something, anything, but they never do. They just leave you hanging like a virgin on prom night and then the following week they pick up at another time and you have no idea what ended up happening the previous week. And the defenders of the show are the best. They're all so brainwashed into thinking it's a good show that they defend it with things like, "But see, every week we see the backstory of somebody and see how they got to be on that plane..." Uhhh, yeah? So what? Who the hell cares how they got on the plane? The plane was going from Australia to Los Angeles so some were Australian, some were American and some were hopping their way to Peking. Who gives a shit? It does nothing to resolve what is ostensibly the main glut--err, I mean, plot-- which is, how are they going to get off the island? There's something clanky and mechanical that is killing people. We went a whole season and don't know what it is. Halfway through the season, two characters discovered a pod of some sort. We still don't know what it is. I quit watching in about January. From what I've read and heard, I haven't missed much. And this piece of crap wins the Emmy over 24??? Really?

The highlights, for me (and remember, I wasn't paying attention the whole time), included Ellen taking a camera crew and a TV into the ladies room to show everyone in there what they were missing -- I would have given anything if they picked up Marcia Cross ripping a huge fart. The other highlight, as I seque from farting, was the tribute to Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw and Dan "I make up stories" Rather. Well done and a nice tribute, but I couldn't help wondering how many of the self-absorbed Hollywood-types in the audience who never have turned on the evening news were saying to themselves, "What have I seen these stately gentlemen in?"