Raahhhhhnnnchhhh

With all the horrendous commercials on television these days, there are still -- fortunately -- a few that make me rewind the TiVo to see every time.

The Ranch Tooth -- This is for a Wendy's Ranch Chicken Sandwich and I absolutely love it. Instead of a sweet tooth, the guy has a "ranch tooth." The best part is it's a giant tooth that is always sitting near him going "Ranch, ranch, ranch, ranch, ranch..." When the guy bites into a sandwich and the ranch tooth is satisfied, he says, rather orgasmically, "Raaaahhhhnnchhh." It's great.

Tag Body Spray -- Have you seen these? Some are better than others but they all feature chicks going berserk when they get a whiff of a guy wearing this body spray. The best one, by far, in my opinion is the one where the kid arrives to pick up his date. He looks to be about 17 or so and the girl is upstairs getting ready to go out (in fact, if you slow down your TiVo you'll see a shot of her pulling on her jeans over her suggestive red panties and super ass -- it's pretty racy, which is why it's probably only on late at night). As the kid walks in, the mom (who is fairly attractive as well) smells his allurring scent. She turns and walks towards him, saying "I like your hair like that." The kid looks nervous and says, hesitantly, "Mrs. Drake?" To which she replies, "Call be Bonnie." She's now mere inches from him and thrusts her chest (and considerable rack) forward, such that a button pops off her shirt. She puts on the fake, stripper "oops" look and, indeed, says "Oops." It's terrific.

Bacardi & Cola -- Okay, these spots look like they were pulled out of the 1970s. Two smooth dudes are at a party in pretty much every one. One is a white guy with a 70s porn moustache (he's "Bacardi") and the other guy ("Cola," as it were) is black. There's always something involving dippy, scantily-clad women (starring as objects; I bet these commercials are a hot topic in the classrooms of women's studies and media schools and other such places that take life way too seriously) and once the situation is resolved the jingle is, "Ba-cardi! And Cola! They get the job done!" In one, they introduce two chicks to another friend, "Diet Cola," and it's a black midget! How great is this? It's like 1970s Saturday Night Live, making fun of race, disability and the objectification of women!

Tiny House -- The Geico commercial. If you haven't seen it, I don't know where you've been. But go here and choose "What we've done" and then Geico. Let me just tell you that several of my friends have started saying "This is kinda awesome..." about all sorts of things.

On another day, we'll cover commercials that suck. But for right now, I don't have that kind of time.